after we told his father that Cayden was on his way that he left us. For all
their differences, James has carefully told me of how his first memories
are of his dad silently opening the blinds each morning to the onrushing
streams of sunlight. I duly noticed that James had already done this for
Cayden; the wooden slats creating a crescendo of dim light easing their
way onto the faces of the loves of my life; father and son for the first time.
(Are diaries meant to be this formal? I truly don’t know. I’m sure we’ll
discuss later, Maggie. I’ve decided to call you Maggie by the way. I digress…)
Those quiet rays of early sun fell on Cayden’s face and I was struck
by how still he was. James has said that he usually was awake when his
father would excuse himself into the muted grey of a sleepy bedroom. I
contemplated Cayden being awake right now, in the midst of a morning
he will never remember, rising to the sight of his father patiently watching over him.
Eventually, it was time to get to work and I sadly had to leave the
scene of happiness. James may have taken maternity leave, I, however,
am on a pretty strict deadline. Less than one month now until print
and I still haven’t really figured out how to end this all. Maybe that’s my
comeuppance for beginning a final draft without a completed first.
I sat at my desk (who am I kidding, I can’t lie to you Maggie, I write
in bed), and imagined the scene one room over. As night slipped into
day, at any moment, Cayden would rise with no recollection or concern
for his previous life, albeit what little of it there was, and he would
begin anew. Just as James and I did nearly eight years ago now, Cayden
was opening a morning of a new chapter.
This time, however, there are three of us; parents and son. However
untraditional this all may be, it’s exactly what we’re supposed to be do-
ing. Just like that morning in Australia, this morning felt right; Cayden
felt like what our lives had somehow always been missing.
Sitting at my desk (don’t judge me) after all these revelations, I
realised it was time to increase the brightness of my laptop. I shifted
my eyes from computer screen to bedroom window, and saw just how
bright the day had become. I suddenly understood exactly how I was
meant to finish this book. It seemed so obvious today after weeks of
little to no inspiration and months of waiting and hoping for a miracle.
The sun fully awake, blank pages ready to be written, at around 7: 30
this morning, I heard James’ soothing greetings to Cayden; up and
ready to be fed.
I could get used to mornings like today’s, Mags.
Yours in words,
p.s. ‘Maggie’ has totally has been shortened to ‘Mags’ now. Get used
PHOTOGRAPH BY TOM STEINHOFF